It is done!
5000km in 163 Days.
19.1 miles per day including rest days.
Almost 7 million steps completed.
This journey has been life changing in a brilliant way. I have physically travelled a long way but, as strange as it sounds, that was the easy part. It has also been an emotional rollercoaster and I really feel like I have come out of it a different person. I apologise for the delay in writing this instalment of my blogs. Quite frankly, it has been hard to write. Many friends and family read my blogs to find out where I had been. Many people that I have never met read my blogs to get ideas on where and how to travel around France - keep tuned for a separate blog where I will write more of a guide for walking in France including tips on where to go. But this blog is for those few who read about my mental struggles and resonated with them. I didn’t expect it, as I am terrible at opening up about my struggles, but when I have written about it a few people got in touch to share the struggles that they are going through. And what was lovely was how they would tell me that hearing my story was inspiring for them and helping them in their own lives. So this one is for them. I hope that me sharing a bit of my pain and how my adventure has led me to a better place will help them in their own journeys.
For those who haven’t read all of the rubbish I have written so far, this journey physically started six months ago but the idea of it was born on Christmas Eve last year at probably the lowest time in my life. I was spending it alone as I was in a horrible place and I was determined not to let my bad mood spread to my family. My life had been rocked to the core over the last few years. It started with losing a baby before it was born. I have always pictured myself becoming a father one day and, after a long struggle to conceive, losing my baby broke me and my then wife. My brain tells me it makes no sense to love something that I never even got to see so much, but that baby will stay in my heart forever. Losing Baby broke me as a person and also broke my marriage, something that I hadn’t even considered possible: I always just presumed that we would be together until we died. All the foundations of the future that I envisioned crumbled.
After separating from my wife I had attempted a fresh start by moving back to my home county, Devon, and even started teaching at my old primary school. I was trying my best to make it work but, in reality, it really wasn’t. It was way too soon. Instead of dealing with the thoughts in my head, I had shut them away, locked them in a deep dark corner and hoped that would be the last I saw of them. I now know that this doesn’t work! I was failing at holding myself together, which is hard enough at the best of times, but doing it with a class of students who rely on you each and every day was just impossible. I was crumbling but giving everything I had to my job instead of looking after myself. On top of this, my fresh start was failing. I tried and failed to buy three separate houses which just added to the immense stress that I was already feeling.
I wanted out and my stupid head kept telling me that suicide was a way to achieve this. I hate admitting that, but it was always there in the back of my mind and I was scared at how regularly it was appearing. This wasn’t the first time I had considered suicide but it was certainly the strongest. Depression is a weird illness that hits you at the worst times. In the middle of class, in the middle of the night, at times when you are surrounded by family and know you should be happy but just can’t feel it.
And somehow, there I was in Wales on Christmas Eve. My plan was to walk and forget and hopefully not think about Christmas at all. The weather was terrible. I was staying in a hotel in Brecon and had walked up to the mountains to the North West of the town. A mile in and I was completely drenched. I tried climbing to a summit but the wind was so strong that I got blown off my feet twice. I decided to follow a valley and kept ending up ankle deep in mud. Everything was grey, I couldn’t even wear my glasses as it was too wet and I had a nasty blister forming on my foot. Surely such a miserable scene was just going to add to my woes?
No.
I was loving it. My head was clear, the conditions were proving an excellent challenge for my body and my brain was being forced into action in order to keep me safe. I was on an adventure, fighting against the world, and I had this weird realisation that, despite everything, I was having a great time! And that was where Couch to 5000k was born. I realised then that I needed a challenge, and a challenge that would be proportionate to the problems I was facing in my head. All of a sudden everything clicked. My job wasn’t working for me. I couldn’t buy a house meaning I had some money sitting in a bank account, I needed to get away and for the first time in my life I had nothing holding me back. Decision made!
The ten miles back to the hotel were spent daydreaming and planning and from that moment on, from that stormy mountainside, I have been a happier person. I was far from fixed but I had a real purpose now. The journey was the thing I needed - something to look forward to. My parents were absolute superstars. They knew I needed to do this and they helped me with planning, encouragement and support. It has been amazing having them as a support crew this whole way and I now feel closer than ever to them. Dad was even the one who came up with the name Couch to 5000k when we were trying to make some vague calculations as to what might be achieved over a period of six to eight months. Dad is the person who got me into walking in the mountains and taught me many of the skills you need in the wilderness. Mum was amazing at knowing when I needed to talk and reading in between the lines of the messages that I was sending whilst also knowing that a lot of the time I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.
So that was what Couch to 5000k was all about. Two journeys. One to push my body and learn about and explore a country I have loved since I was young. And a separate journey to get myself ready for life again - but properly ready this time.
The journey was one of ups and downs, physically and emotionally. I think that distracting yourself by taking on a physical challenge is a great way to clear your head. Right from the start of the trip I slept better. Walking such long distances forces you to be rather knackered and sleep was one of the things that I had been struggling most with. The logistics of the trip such as the route planning, sorting accommodation as I went and learning a new language so that I could speak to the people I was encountering also kept my brain busy. Many days were spent entirely with thinking and planning in this way which proved to be a welcome relief. There were still random patches where I would have rough days. Sometimes I would get stuck in a bad mood or just start crying randomly. But somehow, having things of interest around made them not so bad as they would have been if I had just been carrying on with life as normal.
One of my objectives was to meet new people and all I can say about the French is that they are complicated! When they don’t know people, they can come across as being extremely rude and lacking in some of the manners that I love seeing (most of the time - not all) in the UK. Queuing politely? Nope! Letting me past if I am walking quicker than someone on a footpath? Nope! Saying good morning in response to me saying it very cheerily? Sometimes. It was easy sometimes to feel rather unwelcome. The trick I found is talking to them, in French as much as possible. In contrast to the way that many French treat strangers, the way the treat someone who takes the effort to talk to them is lovely. The effort that some people went to in order to help me on my journey was heart warming. What surprised me most was how attuned to emotions many people were. They don’t shy away from asking personal questions that we wouldn’t in the UK as it is seen as rude. When I told most people about my journey the first thing they asked was ‘why’? They wanted to know what circumstances had led me to undertaking such a trip. Many asked how I was feeling. Not how many miles I had done or whether I was finding the walking difficult but was I happy with the adventure.
There is also something incredibly nice about talking to a stranger. I struggle at times to open up to people, particularly those I love the most, but strangers I found were amazing for this. There were two or three people on the trip who I found I could talk to more openly than usual and they were able to offer some wonderful fresh perspectives. Explaining yourself to others really helps you to understand yourself that little bit better and I think half of the help that I got from these conversations probably came from me. But it wouldn’t have happened without these lovely people being there to listen and ask questions. This is the sort of thing that I don’t feel like you would get if you were on holiday with other people. Both the amount of time that I was there and the vulnerability of being there by myself really forced me to connect in a way that normal holidays don’t allow. And before you say it, no, I wasn’t just abusing the French people as free psychologists - the conversations went both ways and being able to listen and help others was lovely for me as well 😂
Something else from talking to people that struck me as really strange at first was how many people said that I was brave, but not in the way I thought! At first I thought they would be impressed with the distances I was covering or other things I thought were impressive like camping solo in the wild. They were of course impressed but that’s not what they were talking about when they said I was brave. The thing that they kept saying was that I was brave to do this by myself. They understood, long before I did, that the real challenge of this trip wasn’t the mileage or the summits of the wild camping but it was a sort of battle against loneliness.
And in a very strange way I feel like it was this battle with loneliness that helped me in fixing myself. At first I hated things like eating by myself in restaurants or booking myself into accommodation by myself. But over time I became more content with myself. I had to spend so much time with myself that I either had to start liking myself or I would have driven myself even madder than I already was. And the physical things that I was achieving helped restore some of my pride and confidence as well. I had time to address my problems one by one. I had time to revisit the memories that needed revisiting. I had time to think about what things I would need to be happy again. And I also had time to realise what an amazing world it is that we live in: to sit and watch nature happening; to see the journey that water makes from the top of a glacier on a mountain all the way down to an ocean hundreds of miles away; and also to see how the seasons change on a micro scale that you just don’t notice unless you are outside each and every day.
A couple of months in I started to really miss my job but I knew I wasn’t quite ready to return at that point. That is another thing that I think can help those struggling with their mental health. Get a job that you are proud of. Sometimes I act very confidently and give the impression of being quite cocky but that really is just my sarcastic self stepping in to cover up my insecurities. I know that I am a good person but I really see way too many failures in myself from day to day. My job as a teacher however, is where I am incredibly proud. I know that in this job I am doing some good for the world and helping it to become a better place. And having a job that you can be proud with gives you such a strong sense of purpose - on my trip it was working my way back towards being a teacher that became my goal.
The time and space also helped me to re-evaluate what my priorities in life are. The nicest moments I found were when I met people, spoke with my family and connected with nature. Swimming in streams, lying in fields and climbing up mountains just makes you feel close to the world. And so this helped form the basis for how I am going to try and live going forward. I am being brave in trying to meet new people - I hate this, it terrifies me, but I want the end result. I want some friends to support and be supported by. I am trying to rekindle connections with those friends who I lost along the way when life and business got in the way. I am determined to see more of my family and I have even started dreaming my old dreams where one day I might own a home that can bring family together for special occasions. And I am also determined not to lose my connection with nature. I feel like I know the world better now. I feel safer than ever deep in the woods or high up a mountainside and I want to make sure I don’t lose this.
So my advice if you are struggling?
Go on an adventure - something that will take your mind away from the thoughts that bombard you endlessly. It doesn’t have to be six months, even taking a long weekend can do it.
Meet new people - this is the hardest time to do this but probably the most important. Realising that strangers will be pleased to talk to you and even put an arm around your shoulder when you finally tell your story is a cure for the heart.
Find a purpose - work out what you can do that will make you proud and do that. Even if it means turning down better paid careers.
Find time for you - when you are ready, make some space, think the thoughts that need to be dealt with and don’t be afraid to cry about it!
Be honest - with yourself and those around you. I am done with hiding how I am feeling. I am done with hiding things that I don’t like about myself like my dyslexia, my appearance and my autism (thanks to the SENDCOs that have helped me realise this!).
Explore the world - even if it is the fields and forests around your house just get close to nature. It keeps going. All the time. And there is a lot that we can learn from that.
As for me, my new start is going well. I think that my new town on the edge of Exmoor might one day feel like home and I am loving my new school, new colleagues and new students. It feels good. I think I am ready for challenges to come my way if it doesn’t work out as well. Most of all I am putting myself out there to try and build towards a brighter future, whatever that may hold.
Sorry for that being rather heavy. The next blog should be an easier read 😂
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